A King's Regret
by GoddessTiera
Summary: On the anniversary of the defeat of the Archdemon, King Alistair has a few regrets.


He stood staring at her name, frozen. He thought he was ready for this but now that he was here he wasn't so sure. He had brought her a dozen roses just like the one he had given her what felt like a lifetime ago. It was the first time he had visited her resting place since her funeral. He wanted to think it was because the demands of being king kept him away but it was useless trying to fool himself. He stayed away because he was a coward and unable to face his choices. His love for her had never faded with the passing months and he was sure that it never would. He pushed all thoughts of her to the back of his mind and tried to forget but today that was impossible. It was the anniversary of the end of the blight, the anniversary of her death.

He was just staring at her name on the tomb. Tiera Surana. Grey Warden. Her sacrifice ended the 5th Blight. That was all. No mention of the fact that she was a mage and an elf. The two most hated things in Thedas and she had saved everyone. He would trade places with her if he could. She had stood by his side, led when he wasn't able, took all the responsibility on to herself even though he had been a warden longer. She supported his claim to the throne, proclaiming what a wonderful, kind and noble king he would be and he had betrayed her in the worst way he could have.

He had left her. The crown had only been on his head a moment and he had told her that they couldn't be together. She was the first person in his life who had loved him. She had meant more to him than anyone else, even Duncan. He will never forget the look on her face. She had been utterly crushed.

"_Tiera. Can we talk?" "Of course Alistair. What do you need my love?" The love and trust in her eyes made him hesitate. No. This had to be done. He braced himself for what he was about to do, but duty had to come over personal desires." "I love you Tiera." His tone was making her very nervous. "Alistair, what's wrong?" "Now that I am king, there are things, obligations like an heir that are expected and two grey wardens can't have children." She was shaking her head, her tears already falling. "What are you saying? We can't be together?" "I'm sorry." _

When he had returned to his room that evening he had found the rose he had given her on his bed, perfectly preserved and he had broken down and cried.

Standing here looking at her grave he found himself breaking down again. "I am so sorry Tiera." It was strange to speak her name again. He had refused to talk about her if he could and when forced to, had only referred to her as the Hero of Ferelden. He hadn't felt worthy. "I wish I could take it all back. I would trade this crown in a moment to be able to feel you in my arms again. You didn't care who I was. You loved me for me and didn't care about who my father was. You have no idea how much that means to me, or maybe you do. I supposed your whole life was dictated by things you had no control over as well. Did you know Morrigan came to me afterwards? Told me what you had told her. I feel like such a fool. I should have went with you. Why didn't I fight you when you told me to stay at the gate? It should have been me that struck the final blow."

_"Alistair." "Leave me alone Morrigan." "No you need to hear this. She spoke to me that night." Alistair stiffened. "Please Morrigan. I...I can't. Not right now." "Yes right now. You need to truly understand what you did. I went to her. I had a way out for her. A ritual that would have spared her life." "WHAT? You could have saved her. Why the hell didn't you save her? I thought she was your friend?" "I TRIED YOU FOOL. Tis you who are to blame. I begged her to let me help. She refused. She told me that even if she didn't think it cruel to convince you to give me a child, a child that would have taken the soul of the archdemon and spared her, that you would have never seen, that it didn't matter. She did not want to live without you. You were the only good thing she had ever had in her life and you had discarded her without a thought. SHE WANTED TO DIE. She was the only friend I ever had and she choose to die because of you."_

"I have been trying to live with that. Knowing that I could have saved you. That you willing died because of a choice I made. I...I don't know if I can anymore. I have been having dreams lately. A desire demon has been tempting me with you. I have been doing my best to resist. I know it isn't really you but, I don't know if I will ever get the chance to see you again. She shows me what our life could have been like if I had just told Eamon no. We could have rebuilt the wardens together and been happy. I haven't been happy without you. I miss you so much. I have never loved anyone else. I can still recall how soft your skin was and the way you smell. I remember your fears and warnings about demons though and that has kept me from taking her offer. You would be disappointed in me if I caved into the temptation" The tears that had been threatening to fall now came freely. "There isn't a day that goes by that I don't hate myself. I should have fought harder for you. If I had been a stronger man then maybe...maybe things would have been different. I just wish I could really talk to you. I don't think I can ever forgive myself unless you do and that will never happen. I wish you had left a note or something. I feel so selfish for that. I deserve to suffer. I should have died not you. You were so kind and loving. Fereldan would be better off with you than with a pathetic king like me. The only thing that has kept me going is the hope that one day when my time comes, you will be on the other side waiting for me and that we will never have to say goodbye to each other again."

He remained there the rest of the day. Sometimes he spoke of their days traveling or of their companions. Mostly he just sat there until Teagan came and told him it was time to return to Denerim.


End file.
